for richer, for poorer ...

I believe the unrivaled Eric Hoffer once remarked (and I’m paraphrasing here) that a sense of inadequacy – however indistinct – sharpens our eyes to the imperfections of others. Hoffer went on to observe that we often strive to highlight in others the frailties we hide from ourselves.

How often I’ve seen this dynamic played out in even the closest, most caring relationships. We carry with us a menagerie of unresolved childhood conflicts. Then, inevitably, the world wallops us with its measure of hardship and unpredictability.
The resulting fear and frustration can cause us to snipe at even those whom we love most deeply. But as the accusations escalate, we are plagued by a deeper distress:
that it is we ourselves who have failed to fulfill an ideal.

There’s a reason the early stages of a romantic relationship are so addictive. For a short time, we become someone’s idea of the perfect person. Slowly, secretly, we dare to persuade ourselves that this might actually be the case -- that we might truly be someone’s soul mate, conceived to fit perfectly with our pre-ordained match! Our wedding day is often the culmination and celebration of this joyous illusion. And over the course of time -- the gradual and not-so-gradual process of breaking through to reality – we are forced to confront two disturbing facts. First, this person cannot possibly live up to our expectations. Secondly -- and infinitely worse -- we are doomed to fail them miserably. Most likely on multiple levels.

I call this very difficult process “expectation erosion.” And true to Hoffer’s observation, it often serves to echo and uncover deep feelings of inadequacy within ourselves. Sure, we feel some sense of loss that our “perfect person” is only human like the rest of us. But how badly we wanted to believe that we could actually be everything they ever needed.

I often wonder if it’s possible to love another person fully and completely until we’ve forgiven ourselves for this inevitable transgression. Until we (and our loved one) can recognize that we are uniquely lovable, just the way we are. Perhaps, in the end, that is what the journey of marriage is all about.